Vu’s View on: Getting Your Driver’s License (A Satire)

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Andrew Vu

DMV Expectations (Read this in the voice of a narrator):

  1. Make an appointment at your local DMV office to start becoming a driver.
  2. Complete the Driver’s Education Course, which will teach you all of the necessary fundamentals to learning how to drive safely. You will learn about:
    1. red lights, green lights and how they function
    2. speed limits, stop signs, and right of way rules
    3. additional useful information, like arm signals and an overview of how cars work
  3. Take your written test to get your Learner’s Permit, which ensures that student drivers have mastered all of the information needed to safely drive.
  4. Learn how to safely navigate the roads and highways over the next six months and gain 50 hours of driving experience while being guided by your experienced parents.
  5. Have an experienced licensed driving teacher help you apply your knowledge
  6. Take your Driver’s Test to ensure that you are qualified to safely drive your own car.
  7. Congratulations! You’re now qualified to drive by yourself in the US! Enjoy your new personal freedom as a driver and have fun!

Reality (Read this like you do when your English teacher calls on you to read something):

  1. Sit in the DMV office for the umpteenth hour in a row and fill out the umpteenth government form for the umpteenth time and waste your umpteenth hour doing nothing.
  2. Waste your time (that could be spent being productively useless) learning things that are:  
    1. Totally obvious. Red lights means stop! Green lights mean go!
    2. Things that everyone ignores, like speed limits, stop signs, and right of way.
    3. Totally useless things, like the brakes, the horn, and arm signals. Arm signals!? No one is going to stick their arm straight out of a car! You don’t want to high five a stop sign!
  3. Regurgitate the junk you just crammed into your brain for the written test and promptly forget most of it. Oh, and by the way, “Don’t be nervous. DMV wants you to pass your test. Good luck!” (This is actually on the website)
  4. Wait an agonizing 6 months while you drag your parents everywhere, while they criticize everything from your parking to your lane changes to the way you turn on the car.
  5. Hope and pray that you get a nice driving teacher who doesn’t hate you and yell at everything you do. (I got lucky here.)
  6. Drive in sheer terror for 20 minutes while some government instructor judges everything you do from the way you look (glare) at the road to whether you stopped for 2 seconds at a stop sign. Repeat this step a few times.
  7. Congratulations! You can now drive! According to DMV Restrictions “for your own protection,” you may only drive between 12:15 PM and 12:20 PM on the 31st of every other month with a helmet, seat belt, safety vest, and life vest, after you evacuate everyone 5 miles around you house to safety. Thanks, and have fun!

You may ask, “Why did you write this?”

¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Andrew Vu, Qualified Certified Driver