The PCS Roar

Advice Fairy Edition 3

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Advice Fairy Edition 3


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Dear ROAR,

There’s this girl that I really like, she’s nice and funny and very smart, but we never talk. I’m super socially awkward and the idea of talking to a girl scares me, so I can’t even get her phone number. I’ve thought about passing notes in class but I’m worried that someone will find them and figure out it’s me. Lately I’ve been trying to send her matrices with encoded messages so that we can talk more, and she seems ok with that, but it’s sort of inconvenient to decode them and I don’t want it to be too much work for her to talk to me. I don’t know what to do? How can I get over my fear of talking to girls so that I can be with the love of my life?

 

Sincerely, hopelessly awkward

 

Dear hopelessly awkward,

 

I’m gonna be straight up with you: girls are scary. To pretend otherwise would be like waving a red flag in front of a bull. But the fact that girls are scary isn’t your problem. Your problem is that you need a way to befriend this fear. Unfortunately, girls can be as complex as the rules for Dungeons and Dragons. After all, there are approximately 100 billion neurons in the human brain. What I suggest is that you continue to send her increasingly spicy matrices, while at the same time giving her hints about who you are. Additionally, when you see her at school, make sure to make eye contact for as long as possible. Eye contact triggers a chemical response that leads to bonding, so the longer the better. Some people think extended eye contact is creepy, but they’re wrong. When you think she’s getting close to figuring out who you are, suggest a meeting place. However, when you do meet, you should pretend that you’re mute and only talk through a computer programs. Computers are hot, otherwise why would girls spend so much time on their phones. This will surely secure her affection, and once you’re married you can slowly build up your comfort level so that maybe by the time you’re 80 you can actually speak to her.

 

Sincerely, The ROAR

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Advice Fairy Edition 3